A Few Good Memes

I just finished reading Robert A. Johnson’s “We” (thanks to my dear friend Oceansmiles’ recommendation).  It would not be overstatement to say it may be the most important book I’ve ever read.  It should be required reading for every westerner, especially western men.  He uses the Arthurian legend of Tristan and Iseult in a Jungian framework to skillfully disentangle the notions of romantic love, from what he calls “stir-the-oatmeal” love, exploring companionship, commitment and friendship in the process.  He implores us to come to an understanding of and connection with our own deep spirituality, our own religious experience, whether by traditional religious means or otherwise (with useful suggestions for modern people) so that we can free ourselves from the unconscious projection of the anima onto our otherwise mortal and flawed beau/partner/spouse.

The book is written mostly as an examination of Tristan, the symbol for the male psyche and is extremely enlightening to this western male.  I think it is probably very informative for women as well.  I would love a similar treatise told from Iseult’s perspective (or whatever myth might be appropriate).  I know Johnson has “He” and “She” as well as several other myth-meets-Jung books.  I’m likely to read many or all of them.

This book has shone a blazing spotlight on the mistakes, missteps, misunderstandings, and miss-whatever-her-name-was that I’ve made in past relationships with women and how they all have come from some flawed, yet completely understandable assumptions carved into my bones by our western culture over the last 900 years or so.

If you are a man who has ever loved a woman or a woman who has ever been loved by a man, read it.

“Overcome me, baby, overcome
All I’m asking is to be alive”
- Vienna Teng, “Momentum”

I was swallowed whole by the snake I went hunting. Luckilly, I remembered to bring my flute and my knife and have managed to cut away, piece by piece, until I found the heart and disgorged it. I’m out of the pit now and playing the flute, trying to understand exactly what happened. Things I learned in the belly of the snake:

• Nonassertiveness has been my achilles heel for a long time. I am this way from my father (we recently discussed this). As I examine this further, I see that I have never integrated my animus (Jung’s archetype for the masculine/warrior). Odd, as this is the opposite of what Jung says should happen. Men should be warriors struggling to integrate the anima (female archetype). I’ve never identified with men. I don’t follow sports (save for a 3 year mania where Anna and I were rabid Bulls fans together). I’ve always been repulsed by Robert Bly type of men’s groups. Or by men’s groups in general. I mean, isn’t the world a big men’s group? I have never been a warrior. I never talk to men at parties - I talk to the women. Nearly my entire readership and blogroll is women. Men seem mostly to be fools. Nonassertiveness - I’ve normally been paralyzed with anxiety to, e.g. ask a waiter to bring more water. This was a source of stress between Anna and I. She needed a warrior and I was often a wimp. Now that I’ve seen this weakness with my conscious mind, I’m finding it surprisingly easy to overcome. I watch people who are assertive (especially a guy at work I really admire who is assertive and also has a kind heart) and I learn from them. I’m making great strides in areas large and small here. I’m beginning to find my own internal warrior. Perhaps my mind knows I can’t afford to be back inside that snake. I almost got completely digested.
• On the subject of God, I rejected the Christian god 20 years ago. The imbalance toward the patriarchy in Christianity filled me with the urge to defecate. But I do believe in God. I’ve been afraid to admit it for a long time. To surrender to the idea that there is some greater power that I can not access via my ego, my intellect. Some experience that is tangential to reason. My ego and intellect are what have allowed me to survive, (to be a warrior?) in this merciless, capitalistic, patriarchal world. I’ve studied Buddhism for years, but I avoided the more mystical aspects of it. Now I see there is some joy in surrender. Oddly, I’m becoming more and more disillusioned with Unitarian Universalism. We have no common symbols, no shared myth. Like Seinfeld, it’s a religion about nothing. To deny the power of symbols and archetypes is to institutionalize suffering, the very thing that religion should be attempting to alleviate (speaking only in a spiritual/psychological way - UU is pretty great in terms of social justice). The west is *impoverished* with the downfall of religion and myth. It’s Hollywood’s job to peddle myth now and they do a pretty craptastic job of it, mostly.
• I have no idea how to understand love, romance, commitment, and connection with a member of the opposite sex. None. I think few of us do - it’s the curse of our western psyche. I’m beginning to unravel some of the mystery of it via Robert A. Johnson’s “We”. I do know I fell in love with a girl. Fell in love once and almost completely. And it utterly wrecked me. Yes, it re-triggered my grief about Anna. But it also triggered something much, much older and deeper. I thought it triggered something old in my family of origin. Now I’m beginning to see it’s even older and deeper than that. Which would explain why it hurt down to my soul’s core. And why it’s still so inexplicable.
• I have been living without intention for a long time. I’m beginning to learn to cultivate mindfulness via meditation practice. Something I’ve wanted to do my entire adult life. I guess that tight, dark snake belly is the motivator here, too. It feels like learning to ride a bike or even to walk for the first time. The intent at the outset was to alleviate depression. The larger intent is to find some inner peace for the first time in my life. To truly be able to see my thoughts, feelings, physical sensations as weather patterns in the sky and to inhabit the sky itself.

Now I’m late for the sky and haven’t meditated yet. Time to get practicing.

Jesus, how did I get into this black pit? I feel like I’ll never get out. Reading old posts, they seem like they were written by someone else. How can I ever get back to that place? I’m hurting so bad.

I’m still kicking, everyone. I hit a very bad round of grief and depression. Major low tide. Digging myself out of the hole. Learning a lot about myself. Trying to practice mindfulness. Things with Christine are well, though they’ve been rocky due to my struggles and general relationship startup stress. We really love one another and are taking things one step at a time.