Emma was 7 months old when Anna was diagnosed with cancer. Anna & I are/were pretty crunchy granola parents. Me, perhaps more than Anna, but not to extremes. we carried our tinybabes in his/her slings, Anna nursed Ian & Alyssa well into their toddler years. we co-slept (with mixed emotions & Mixed success for sure). When Anna got sick, she had to immediately wean Emma. We had to put her in a crib (luckily, we had one that had sat
mostly unused for 7 years). Anna was fighting for her life. Survival had to trump Mothering Magazine ideals.
So Emma has had to really be a scrapper. And she is. My nickname for her is “Miss Independent.” One of her most oft used phrases is” My do it!” Some of it is undoubtedly due to being third child. But I think a lot is having to have gotten by without enough mama- loving in her short life. And, of course, while Anna was sick and going thru chemo and radiation, I was very Focused on her too, going to every doctor appointment, every treatment, every consultation. Not to mention trying to be emotionally supportive to a woman with a death sentence.
whenever we visit friends or go to a party, Emma immediately finds the biggest hearted woman in the room (her radar has amazing precision), goes over, and attaches herself with a climb onto a lap or a call for “uppy!” It’s pretty sweet and endearing usually, but if also breaks my heart deep down every time it happens.
I so want Emma to rget the mama-loving she needs and deserves. So much. But I’m the papa, I’m a hell of a good papa. one of the best ones there is. It kills me sometimes that I can’t be the mama too. So I’ve found myself wishing, though not admitting, that I could find Emma a new mommy quickly before it’s too late and her little spirit gives up on the hope of gelting the mama-loving she used to get long ago. But of course, it doesn’t quite work like that. I’m so sorry Emma.
venessa
| 23-May-07 at 8:29 pm | Permalink
Oh, Jase, your situation is not ideal, but you are enough. You are a better parent than most moms and dads put together. And she will never give up, trust me. You have time.
jessica
| 23-May-07 at 10:40 pm | Permalink
But the wonderful and amazing thing is~ her spirit WON’T give up, Jason. Don’t worry. Just the fact that this tiny girl has the radar (i.e., intuition) to get her needs met is mind-blowing. Revel in it. She is like Hope. Relax. Paint your fingernails black. Ride the waves…. it’s a good set for Papa to rest and roll. Love all around…..
~j
heidi
| 23-May-07 at 10:50 pm | Permalink
My heart just stopped for a minute.
I’m going to go wrap my arms and heart around Molly and thank Goddess for her and for every moment I have with her. What a beautifully difficult thing to share.
Kat
| 23-May-07 at 10:54 pm | Permalink
Hang in there. I know your heart aches for Emma but Emma’s spirit knows what it needs and is going after it. That’s pretty damn amazing when you think about it. Your love has given her the ability to reach out for what she needs from others.
Humans are amazingly resilient with a very strong drive to not just survive but thrive. My childhood was pretty f’d up but looking back now, I can see what I did to get through it and come through the other side more or less intact. She may have issues that she has to work through…and believe me I know how much it hurts to think that your child will have to go through issues… but think of it this way: How many truly interesting and wonderful people have you met who haven’t had some issues to work through???
Missy
| 24-May-07 at 5:04 am | Permalink
Sometimes my heart breaks for all of you.
You have some great commenters here, Jase.
bine
| 24-May-07 at 8:30 am | Permalink
oh jase, i’m sure your being a hell of a good papa makes up for a lot emma might have missed. and it sounds like the big hearted women among your friends can fill in with some extra mama-love. not having a new mommy at hand for her is not something you have to be sorry about.
thordora
| 24-May-07 at 9:40 am | Permalink
So you don’t have boobs-that doesn’t mean your lap isn’t big enough.
I always somehow gravitate to the women who will mother me-and it’s completely unconcious. Do i wish I had a mom? sometimes yes. Am I broken without one? Nope. But I love the women love I get sometimes without asking. It’s a nice replacement. I wouldn’t have accepted it from a stepmother though.
You cannot change the things that are. Emma is a strong little bugger who sounds like Rosalyn. Kids bounce back. Your arms will surely do the job just fine.
sweetsalty kate
| 24-May-07 at 6:44 pm | Permalink
I don’t know what to say except that I was so touched by your words. Kids will thrive with love in all its many forms, and you have so much to give them. They’ll be wonderful people because of the wonderful person that you are. You are a great papa indeed.
karrie
| 26-May-07 at 7:15 pm | Permalink
I love that Emma goes after what she needs.
Can only imagine how rough this must be for you. My heart cracked reading this. She’s so little, and for all of you, what happened was so damn unfair.
Kate
| 05-Jun-07 at 6:33 pm | Permalink
She’ll be okay with just you. I promise.
And she’ll be better with just you than with a rushed or imperfect mommy-replacement relationship. Prove to her that she deserves the best kind of love there is, and you won’t accept anything less than true love for her - that’ll keep her spirit together and her heart whole.