{ 2007 04 13 }

Put Our Dark Glasses On

So I’ve decided to go from toe-in-the-water-guy-who-might-like-to-date to, well, something more intentional. When I lost Anna, I really lamented the fact that I’ll never again have the person I spent my 20s (and 2/3 of my 30s) with. The person who’s bike was under the greyhound with mine as we spontaneously headed off to Martha’s Vineyard for the weekend. The person who I bought my first house with, a cute 1920s Arts and Crafts with 9 foot ceilings and dark cherry trim everywhere and lots of charm (if not lots of heat nor lots of convenient parking). The person I built so many shared friendships with. The person I integrated families with. The person I got to share the excitement and terror of having my first child with. And the joy of my second child. And the surprise of my third child ;-) The person I took care of through 17 months of terminal illness. I lost a lot.

But lately, I’m also seeing an enormous opportunity. A chance to do it all again. Lord knows I made my share of mistakes with Anna. Way more than my share. We had a good marriage. We were strong and committed for life. We weathered some storms that we saw tear some of our friends’ and family members’ marriages to pieces. I think a lot about the mistakes I made. But here I sit, looking at the possibility of Marriage 2.0. So many people wonder what they would do if they had it to do again. And I, by way of having won the shit lottery, do.

Here I am in my mid-to-late 30s and I have so much to offer. I don’t have to practice on anyone. I have a pretty good sense of who I am. I have a good career and financial security. I’m a romantic dreamer who hasn’t forgotten my wide-eyed 20s; who has become a responsible adult and parent with my priorities in the right place. I’m in good health and good shape. I’ve finally figured out how to eat healthy in a real way (and have now lost 43 pounds and counting doing so). I’m finding a balance between attending to the mundane and the shiney. I love my kids and being a parent. I could easily love someone else’s kids and treat them as my own. I would love for my kids to have a loving, strong, thoughtful, witty, self-assured woman in their daily lives who truly loves them. I would love to have someone to build and share wisdom with as our kids grow and have their own struggles.

What I long for, in every cell of my body, is to have someone to love unconditionally and to be loved in the same way. I suppose it sounds a bit corny or unrealistic, but I don’t think so. Life is suffering. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. But that sure doesn’t preclude having a love so deep it leaves you without words. And it doesn’t preclude being a romantic flirt even as the days, weeks, months, years roll by. Joy in spite of everything.

I did go on another date this week - coffee with someone I met on match.com. Hers was the only profile out of hundreds I’d viewed that I was inclined to pursue. I won’t say much in the interest of privacy and discretion. We had a nice time and I think there’s a lot of promise. It’s early with a lot of unknowns. If logistics allow, we’re going out again next week.

Some lyrics that have spoken to me lately on this subject (poor pronouns notwithstanding):

“I’m going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And well fill in the missing colors
In each others paint-by-number dreams
And then well put our dark glasses on
And well make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We’ll get up and do it again” - Jackson Browne, The Pretender

“Stars look down and laugh at me
I ought to take a bow
Don’t have to tell them life’s hard sometimes
There’s one falling now
Nobody’s here beside me
I can talk about it to
All the ways I want you” - Bruce Cockburn, All the Ways I Want You

“Baby if you need me
Like I know I need you
There’s just one thing
I’ll ask you to do
Take my hand and lead me
To the hole in your garden wall
And pull me through” - Jackson Browne, Your Bright Baby Blues

Posted by jase on Friday, April 13th, 2007, at 11:48 pm, and filed under Personal.

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