Alyssa got a letter in the mail this weekend addressed to “The Daughter of Anna Dufair”. It appeared to be hand addressed. She opened it up and it turned out to be an invitation for her to be in a beauty contest. Yep. A beauty contest. Being reflexively repelled by the idea of Alyssa going the JonBenet route and living with the illusion that my kids just naturally absorb my generally progressive values by osmosis, I assumed she’d look at it and it would go in the recycle bin. Imagine my sheer joy when she announces that she wants to participate in said beauty contest.
Now, I’m not the type to just outright ban something that doesn’t put my kids in immediate danger. I think it creates the Salman Rushdie effect. I’d rather discuss, investigate, and gently guide them toward the only right way of doing things: my way. So I decided it was time to take this as a learning opportunity. Sometimes life’s gifts come in unexpected packages.
I’m about as informed on beauty pageants as I am on, say, the Lvov-Sandomierz Offensive. So I read the pamphlet. It’s cleverly engineered to pull at every insecurity a girl can have. Make friends! (You don’t have many now, do you?) Show your pride! (You’re not one of those insecure girls, are you?) Get ahead in life! (Or are you a loser?) They even play lip service to the deepest fear of every progressive parent: No makeup allowed on participants under 12! Except that every photo of every child of every age in the pamphlet was wearing makeup. And the entry fee is a mere $440. They provide many helpful hints on how to raise that entry fee. Ask local businesses to sponsor you, for example. They neglected to mention a plea to the blogosphere.
What I’d like to do is have Alyssa come to the type of understanding that Amanda Angelotti did when she re-entered the pageant world after a progressive-politics epiphany in late high school: “And I remembered the subtle dishonesty of it all.” I guess that’s the rub. Subtlety is a bit lost on 9 year olds. So I’ve decided to take the Zen approach and counter subtle with subtle. We got a copy of Little Miss Sunshine, the best movie I’ve seen in quite a while. There’s plenty of swearing and other adult themes in it, so we’re watching it together and talking about it. Hopefully the vapidity of the average contestant will impress upon her and demotivate.
She said she wants to be in the spotlight and to hear her name called. That’s pretty understandable, for sure. I’ve encouraged her to get involved in community theatre in the past. Perhaps it’s time to push that one again. Dear readers, I’m open to other suggestions of how to navigate these piranha-infested waters with a minimum of blood loss. Where’s Anna when I need her?
If all else fails, I guess we’re going to have to work something up for “Superfreak”.
(Seconds, mere seconds after the beauty pageant discussion wraps up, “Dad, is the tooth fairy real?”)
heidi
| 04-Apr-07 at 12:01 pm | Permalink
I applaud your approach to this. I think I’d probably ban it and lecture Molly endlessly about the damage done to young girls by American culture, blah blah blah… thus ensuring that she’d grow up to enter all the pageants she could in rebellion.
It’s gonna be a constant challenge to be a progressive, teaching mom and not an Evil Fun-Stomping Nazi. Good luck with this one, and yes, of course the Tooth Fairy is real:)
thordora
| 04-Apr-07 at 12:41 pm | Permalink
Most likely ALyssa is trying to find something female to latch on to. And pagents in of itself aren’t the devil-it’s the trappings that surround it.
She likely just wants to feel like a pretty little girl for awhile-but you might be able to accomplish this by having a female relative or friend take her out for a “spa” day or something.
If you ever come visit, I’d love to take her.
Kassie
| 04-Apr-07 at 12:54 pm | Permalink
Spa day sounds like a wonderful idea.
jase
| 04-Apr-07 at 1:29 pm | Permalink
Thor - good point. I really hadn’t considered this. Pretty obvious in hindsight. Thank you. My sister-in-law is coming in this weekend. Perhaps it’s time to send them both to the spa.
Amy
| 04-Apr-07 at 2:43 pm | Permalink
Spa day is a great idea. So is girly clothes shopping day! She’d probably enjoy some one on one attention for a while too. I’m sure she’ll change her mind about the pageants soon enough!
Peggy
| 04-Apr-07 at 5:27 pm | Permalink
I wonder if just having your wife’s name on the envelope may have been an influencing factor?
I sympathise. I went through this with cheerleading. I was not enthused about my daughter doing that. But I let her and now she did it and she doesn’t want to do it anymore and she’s got it out of her system.
Thor’s on the right track. Girlie pampering is always a good idea.
I would encourage theatre, or music; singing or instrument lessons. My ten year old niece just won $100 in a speech contest sponsored by the local optimist club. Maybe a contest like that.
venessa
| 04-Apr-07 at 7:42 pm | Permalink
Eek. I have no constructive advice. I just hope my girls never put me in your positions. I would probably flip out and scar them for life.
bine
| 05-Apr-07 at 10:52 am | Permalink
ugh … that’s a hard one.
i lack the experience with own children so i’d have to go by my memories of my own “girlhood”. there definitely was a time in my life when i wanted to take up girlie things, though i had no vigorous interest in them. horse riding and ballet class were those i remember clearly. i gave up both quite soon, experiencing maybe similar things as peggy’s daughter with cheerleading. it just wasn’t for me, but i had to find out for myself.
the fee is really extrordinarily high, maybe it would be possible to convince her that you can’t afford just that much right now and in the same breath encourage her to think about the community theatre again.
i also join in to the general praise for thor’s idea. if a female counsellor would give her an insight on the “subtle dishonesty of it all” i think she would buy it more likely than from you.
good luck with that, jase. i’m sure you’ll have a help in your sister-in-law.
Kat
| 05-Apr-07 at 11:56 am | Permalink
I think the girly day is a great idea. I also think that encouraging her into something to suit her interests is another great one. It might be that she’s interested in something girly though that you haven’t really thought of.
I also however would take this as an opportunity to expose her to what beauty pageants are all about there are plenty of articles out there that seek to expose the more seedy side. The false teeth, the hair extentions, the pressure to be thin, the incredibly expensive outfits that are more suited to a 30 year old. She’s getting old enough to be gently introduced to this and guided. It could be very affirming to the reality of the values you are trying to instill - the inherent worth of the individual.
Mardé
| 07-Apr-07 at 9:42 am | Permalink
Hey Jason, it’s good you watched Little Miss Sunshine together. Maybe that imparted a little cynicism in her about getting too starry-eyed? But imagination and possibilities are wide open at that age, and it’s hard to dampen that, but they’ve got to learn. How not to be a Scrooge? The Tooth Fairy lives! And so does Frodo. Is she ready for The Hobbit yet?