Kassie is struggling with kids and sleep. I think it’s the lament of every parent of young kids. I have hardly met a parent (certainly none with more than one kid) who hasn’t struggled with this. Here’s some of my journey with kids and sleep in a nutshell for Kassie and whomever else:
We have struggled with kids and sleep for 9.5 years now. I totally feel your pain. I could write a book about this, but I can share with you what I’ve learned in a nutshell. With Alyssa (now 9), we did the family bed and no one got any sleep. She was up multiple times a night nursing for several years. It was very, very tiring for Anna. She was in our bed until she was about 5.
With Ian (now 4), we tried the crib, but Anna actually gave in to his cries after a few days and he was in our bed. No sleep. At 2, we tried to get him to sleep on his own, using advice from The Sleep Lady - books and I think even a phone consultation if my memory serves. Lots of Ferber-lite training for weeks. We were exhausted. He was nearly there when Anna got diagnosed with cancer. We gave up and he was back in bed with us, except on my side, no nursing. He’s a more sound sleeper than Alyssa and I can manage a good night’s sleep for the most part with him next to me. He’s still in my bed.
With Emma (now 2), Anna was suffering from pretty bad post-partum depression, so we put her in a crib and let her cry. It was hard, but with Anna depressed (and then sick with cancer), we had no choice. We put her on the main floor in a pack-and-play with me on the couch listening in case something was seriously wrong and Anna upstairs with the door closed so she could sleep undisturbed by Emma’s cries. Once Emma got past a few weeks of progressively less waking and crying during the night, she started sleeping well. She got a full ba-ba of milk at night when she laid down. This is still her routine (though she’s in her own room in a proper crib). She still wakes up once every few nights and cries for 5 minutes or less, but in general is a really good sleeper. And sometimes she cries going to sleep, but not much and not often. We have the same routine every night - read 2-3 books, sing the same 4 songs (Frere Jacques, Peter Cottontail, The Polly Pocket Song, and Ba Ba Black Sheep), lights off, kisses, and off to sleep with the door open 6 inches or so.
As a parent, we never want our kids to suffer a single bit. This is why we get up with them at night. This is why we do all kinds of stuff. But now, with 3 (and I’m sure you know, with 2 and especially a teenager), they’re going to suffer no matter what we do - it’s the first noble truth of Buddhism - life is full of suffering. So I guess with bedtime, baby suffering in order to learn to comfort him/herself is probably a worthwhile journey. Now, your could never have convinced me of this with Alyssa. But perhaps I’ve gained a bit more wisdom and can accept my kids’ suffering, especially when it’s likely to result in personal growth and no long-term irreversible harm.
karrie
| 09-Feb-07 at 3:25 pm | Permalink
Max has never been a ‘good sleeper.’ When we moved into our house (around his 1st birthday) we did ‘pantley’s last resort.’ This worked well and I enjoyed a year of kissing him goodnight and closing his door. He still woke up between 4-5am, but went to sleep easily at night. Now due to night terrors, he’s back in our bed and probably will be until he decides to go back to his own room.
Ann has a fabulous book designed to help with sleep issues. It reviews several different theories on how to help kids sleep, and the overall tone of the book is friendly and easy to read.(Parts are almost conversational.) I’m going to send Kassie my copy after reading her post, but I fear Dylan might be like his cousin Max.
kassiemae
| 09-Feb-07 at 6:22 pm | Permalink
Thank you for the post. I have been thinking about letting Dylan cry it out a bit more. Its hard as I am not his primary care giver during the day so I feel like I have less parenting control which is probably in my head, but I feel a certain amount of guilt I think for not having enough time with him. Looking back now with Hannah it was easier. She had her own room and I was home and had established a routine that worked for us. Years later she had a hard time with night terrors related to things that had to do with her father, I was a single mother and I dealt with it through counseling. She usually sleeps fine now. I cant get her out of bed most mornings. I am going to talk to Jim about Dylan tonight. I think we will have a trial run this evening. Bath, clean diaper, bubbie, put him in his crib awake, read him a book, kiss him and turn the lights down. We will let him cry and we will get through it. Thank you for reinforcing that it is okay. I know it is, its just hard at first. At this point we all have to get some rest. Thank you Karrie for sending me a book. I really,really appreciate it. I do think Dylan is like Max. He is super busy with alot of energy. He wears me out and he hasnt even started walking.
venessa
| 09-Feb-07 at 8:22 pm | Permalink
Oh, what I wouldn’t do for a full night of sleep! El wakes up at 11 when we go to bed and will not go back to sleep unless she is in our bed, nursing. She is still up every 2 hours at night. My first two cried it out eventually. I don’t know why I am different this time, I just can’t bear to hear her cry.
thordora
| 09-Feb-07 at 9:06 pm | Permalink
I guess I’m the heartless bastard of the bunch. I have ZERO qualms with letting babies cry it out-with ros we were even harsher since I was incapacitated with PPD, and I needed the sleep.
Ros has been the better sleeper, but neither of mine have ever been problems, unless we caused some (vivian had night terrors when I was going completely batshit and the house was totally stressed) I don’t know if we’re lucky or if there’s something we did right, but generally, they’re down at 8 and not up until 7ish.
Everyone is happier when people are sleeping-we didn’t want to do family bed, and I didn’t nurse, which likely also made a huge difference.
I dunno….wish i could be of some help.
kassiemae
| 10-Feb-07 at 5:47 am | Permalink
Last night Dylan slept from 9-4:30! I feel much better this morning. I gave him a bubbie and he is now back to sleep. Last night we gave him a bath, a bubbie and read him a book and he went to sleep on his own. Maybe he slept better because he knew he went to sleep on his own and wasnt expecting me to be right there when he stirred? Maybe he was just exhausted as well. At any rate it was a good night.
jase
| 10-Feb-07 at 5:56 am | Permalink
Kickass! Did you go back to sleep after 4:30? I’ve changed my night time routine too. It’s nice to get to bed early and get up early. I hope tonight goes well too!
kassiemae
| 10-Feb-07 at 9:00 pm | Permalink
I didnt go back to bed. I am usually a wicked morning person. I actually let hubby sleep and snuck in a little me time. It was lovely. I dont know if he will do as well tonight. We went grocery shopping today and really screwed up his naps. We came home and he was exhausted, he has been sleeping now for about 3 hours. I am sure he will be up to play soon.
jase
| 10-Feb-07 at 9:12 pm | Permalink
Uh oh. Good luck tonight. I did late naps too, so hopefully mine will go out. I’m just down getting a warm ba-ba and noticed your post. Here’s to a good night for all…
Amy
| 11-Feb-07 at 3:06 am | Permalink
I remember back when I worked in a nursery, and all the kids were expected to take naps at the same time. After dinner it was straight to the mats to lay down, and we were expected to get each child off to sleep, even if the child resisted. I didn’t enjoy this part of my job, it was like a little army of sleep machines! A lot of the kids were not used to sleeping alone, and some didn’t even usually have naps at home! Its important to notice how each child is different, and different things work for different people, I think your post shows that well, as do the comments here. Thanks for sharing with us :o)