A Few Good Memes

Kassie is struggling with kids and sleep. I think it’s the lament of every parent of young kids. I have hardly met a parent (certainly none with more than one kid) who hasn’t struggled with this. Here’s some of my journey with kids and sleep in a nutshell for Kassie and whomever else:

We have struggled with kids and sleep for 9.5 years now. I totally feel your pain. I could write a book about this, but I can share with you what I’ve learned in a nutshell. With Alyssa (now 9), we did the family bed and no one got any sleep. She was up multiple times a night nursing for several years. It was very, very tiring for Anna. She was in our bed until she was about 5.

With Ian (now 4), we tried the crib, but Anna actually gave in to his cries after a few days and he was in our bed. No sleep. At 2, we tried to get him to sleep on his own, using advice from The Sleep Lady - books and I think even a phone consultation if my memory serves. Lots of Ferber-lite training for weeks. We were exhausted. He was nearly there when Anna got diagnosed with cancer. We gave up and he was back in bed with us, except on my side, no nursing. He’s a more sound sleeper than Alyssa and I can manage a good night’s sleep for the most part with him next to me. He’s still in my bed.

With Emma (now 2), Anna was suffering from pretty bad post-partum depression, so we put her in a crib and let her cry. It was hard, but with Anna depressed (and then sick with cancer), we had no choice. We put her on the main floor in a pack-and-play with me on the couch listening in case something was seriously wrong and Anna upstairs with the door closed so she could sleep undisturbed by Emma’s cries. Once Emma got past a few weeks of progressively less waking and crying during the night, she started sleeping well. She got a full ba-ba of milk at night when she laid down. This is still her routine (though she’s in her own room in a proper crib). She still wakes up once every few nights and cries for 5 minutes or less, but in general is a really good sleeper. And sometimes she cries going to sleep, but not much and not often. We have the same routine every night - read 2-3 books, sing the same 4 songs (Frere Jacques, Peter Cottontail, The Polly Pocket Song, and Ba Ba Black Sheep), lights off, kisses, and off to sleep with the door open 6 inches or so.

As a parent, we never want our kids to suffer a single bit. This is why we get up with them at night. This is why we do all kinds of stuff. But now, with 3 (and I’m sure you know, with 2 and especially a teenager), they’re going to suffer no matter what we do - it’s the first noble truth of Buddhism - life is full of suffering. So I guess with bedtime, baby suffering in order to learn to comfort him/herself is probably a worthwhile journey. Now, your could never have convinced me of this with Alyssa. But perhaps I’ve gained a bit more wisdom and can accept my kids’ suffering, especially when it’s likely to result in personal growth and no long-term irreversible harm.