I’ve had only a few dreams with my mother in them, my favorite being the one in which she held me in her arms as I cried and cried for her. But it wasn’t the same. She wasn’t there when I woke up.

I don’t believe that she waits anywhere in my heart for me. I wish I could believe more-I envy you your belief that she awaits you. I wish I had that.

After almost 18 years, I know my father still grieves for the love of his life, but his granddaughters have brought him back to me. We both watch for my mother in them.

I cried when I read about your dream…a dream that was not like a dream. I think I experienced a similar state once, a long time ago. I grew up within walking distance from my grandma and my great-grandma. Both were a daily part of my life when I was a child and played a huge role in my upbringing. My great-grandma died when I was a young teenager and although she was an elderly woman who had lived a long and full life, it was devastating to the family. She was an amazing person and a true matriarch of the family. A few nights after she died, my mom and I both had dreams that were, as you say, not really like dreams. When we discussed them the next morning, they were very similar. Bubby came to us, where we lay, in our beds, and comforted us. Told us she was okay and that we were going to be okay. We both woke with the feeling that we had interacted with her. (There was another bizarre element in that both my mom’s and my digital clocks were blinking when we woke up, as if from a power outage, but were found to be unplugged from their respective wall outlets, in 2 separate rooms).

Maybe because you and I are both UU’s I can relate to your assertion that you are not much of a believer in the supernatural. But yet, I have ALWAYS believed, just as you said so eloquently, that there is more to our existence than meets the eye (or than the human mind can comprehend).

I am thinking of you and praying, in what way an agnostic yet spiritual UU like myself can pray, for your peace and strength as you face two very difficult anniversaries.

I have not wanted to intrude upon your grief but if talking about it would help you, I am here for you. Having shared a similar loss, perhaps I can offer some insight into what you are experiencing (including the strange mix of longing and guilt when thinking about being with another woman).

Because of my career choice, as you know, I travel all over the country and meet new & different people every day - however, I rarely connect with someone the way I connected with you. I consider you one of the very best people I know - please don’t forget that you have people that care for you - lean on us!

I’m not sure that there is a set time when it’s the right time. I think though that your heart and soul will know it when it happens.

I never knew Anna except through your words. From those words I am sure that she would both not want you to be alone waiting to join her one day and understanding that right now that’s all your heart wants. It’s ok, to be where you are now and it will be ok when your heart has healed enough to look forward.

I’m sorry you’re still in the first year, and I hope that, in your case, the second year isn’t harder. Sometimes it is, in different ways than the first year was hard, and I hope that in your case the general trend is toward a lightening of spirit.

I’m also sorry that 7/29 is a sad anniversary for you. It’s my son’s birthday, and I always feel bad when there are sad associations with birthdays. (Says the woman born on Memorial Day.)

Will be thinking about you today and sending you hugs from Scotland.

x