Comments on: Sharing Tears with Alyssa http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/ Jason Dufair's weblog Sat, 22 Nov 2008 05:59:59 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: Kate http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-2106 Kate Tue, 30 Jan 2007 14:57:30 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-2106 Alyssa is very lucky to have a parent willing and able to share the realities of grief with her. Any proof that we can go though intense and hard emotions and still survive on the other side is priceless. And you're very lucky to have kids that are sharing that grief with you. I understand, you'd rather not have the grief in the first place, but it's another one of those small things to maybe someday be glad for - the sharing of an emotion that polite society often avoids. Be well... Alyssa is very lucky to have a parent willing and able to share the realities of grief with her. Any proof that we can go though intense and hard emotions and still survive on the other side is priceless.

And you’re very lucky to have kids that are sharing that grief with you.

I understand, you’d rather not have the grief in the first place, but it’s another one of those small things to maybe someday be glad for - the sharing of an emotion that polite society often avoids.

Be well…

]]> By: jase http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1945 jase Thu, 25 Jan 2007 02:29:11 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1945 Karrie & Kassie - thanks for writing about your dad. I didn't know that you had lost him as kids. How did your mom handle it? I'm surprised neither of you have written about it on your blogs. I'd be interested to hear more. I really have no one to look to in terms of being a widow/widower. Alyssa is definitely in a place where she is wearing a lot of Anna's earrings and clothes and such. I wear her t-shirts and fleece and winter hat and such. And her sneakers, actually (she had the same size feet as me). It's pretty comforting to wear her stuff. And I still wear my wedding ring, though I've switched it to my right hand. Karrie & Kassie - thanks for writing about your dad. I didn’t know that you had lost him as kids. How did your mom handle it? I’m surprised neither of you have written about it on your blogs. I’d be interested to hear more. I really have no one to look to in terms of being a widow/widower.

Alyssa is definitely in a place where she is wearing a lot of Anna’s earrings and clothes and such. I wear her t-shirts and fleece and winter hat and such. And her sneakers, actually (she had the same size feet as me). It’s pretty comforting to wear her stuff. And I still wear my wedding ring, though I’ve switched it to my right hand.

]]> By: kassiemae http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1942 kassiemae Wed, 24 Jan 2007 11:33:32 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1942 I was 5 years old when dad died. I think of him to this day. I carry around a chunk of fools gold and a keychain that was his in my pocketbook. It is my way of keeping him with me. As a grownup I am happy to know that my father was a good man. I think as a child I experienced every emotion possible. I was angry at him for a long time for going away. I can say when my daughter was born I was able to make peace with what happened to him. I let the anger go away and I began to understand. I was 5 years old when dad died. I think of him to this day. I carry around a chunk of fools gold and a keychain that was his in my pocketbook. It is my way of keeping him with me. As a grownup I am happy to know that my father was a good man. I think as a child I experienced every emotion possible. I was angry at him for a long time for going away. I can say when my daughter was born I was able to make peace with what happened to him. I let the anger go away and I began to understand.

]]> By: karrie http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1938 karrie Tue, 23 Jan 2007 18:15:24 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1938 I'm glad you were able to be so honest with Alyssa. I remember pulling out my father's old t-shirts to sleep in after he died. (I was also 9.) He was a BIG guy, and a farmer so they were quite stinky! I freaked out when my mother sold his battered farm truck though. I know she needed the $, but watching some random guy drive off in my dad's truck somehow made his death more real. I’m glad you were able to be so honest with Alyssa.

I remember pulling out my father’s old t-shirts to sleep in after he died. (I was also 9.) He was a BIG guy, and a farmer so they were quite stinky! I freaked out when my mother sold his battered farm truck though. I know she needed the $, but watching some random guy drive off in my dad’s truck somehow made his death more real.

]]> By: jase http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1937 jase Tue, 23 Jan 2007 17:47:32 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1937 Jill - thanks for checking in and especially for sharing your experience of the funeral. It's such a blur to me. A packed house, me crying yet trying to be strong, Anna not looking like herself, my friends and family members carrying the casket, flowers on the casket, everything. I'm glad you remembered Alyssa encouraging me to speak. And thanks for reading. Jill - thanks for checking in and especially for sharing your experience of the funeral. It’s such a blur to me. A packed house, me crying yet trying to be strong, Anna not looking like herself, my friends and family members carrying the casket, flowers on the casket, everything. I’m glad you remembered Alyssa encouraging me to speak. And thanks for reading.

]]> By: Jill http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1936 Jill Tue, 23 Jan 2007 17:34:54 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1936 Jason, Thank you for sharing your blog. You are an inspiration in the face of something incredibly unthinkable. I can tell that Alyssa is so mature beyond her years. In a sense, it is amazing to see how strong a little girl can be, but on the other hand, it is heartbreaking that a little girl would need to be so strong. This should just not be happening. I think I will never forget Alyssa at Anna's funeral -- how she encouraged you to stand and talk about Anna, how she seemed to hold you up through it. It seems that somehow, very often, when going through something difficult, one person is falling apart while the other is strong for them, and then the roles change. But of course, as you experienced the other night, sometimes both are falling apart together. I find it amazing that you can consider the possibility of finding gratitude in the situation, but Alyssa learning that it is safe to express her own grief and that you will still be there for her even through your own grief is something really special. Jason,

Thank you for sharing your blog. You are an inspiration in the face of something incredibly unthinkable. I can tell that Alyssa is so mature beyond her years. In a sense, it is amazing to see how strong a little girl can be, but on the other hand, it is heartbreaking that a little girl would need to be so strong. This should just not be happening. I think I will never forget Alyssa at Anna’s funeral — how she encouraged you to stand and talk about Anna, how she seemed to hold you up through it. It seems that somehow, very often, when going through something difficult, one person is falling apart while the other is strong for them, and then the roles change. But of course, as you experienced the other night, sometimes both are falling apart together. I find it amazing that you can consider the possibility of finding gratitude in the situation, but Alyssa learning that it is safe to express her own grief and that you will still be there for her even through your own grief is something really special.

]]> By: thordora http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1934 thordora Tue, 23 Jan 2007 15:41:34 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1934 I don't know how "mature" her reading skills are, but Motherless Daughters really helped me when I was a bit older. It might be good for you to read in order to understand what your girls WILL go through. Part of her will always be 9, just as part of me will always be 11. In some ways, my life started at 11, so it's like I have two. It's an odd way to look at it, but a valid one nonetheless. I'll write a bit more about what I experienced when I first lost her-maybe that will help Alyssa realize that it will get better, and that she isn't weird. Be there for her-she'll likely go through a phase of worrying about you very soon, and she'll start mother henning everyone. It's so hard to be the oldest girl. Anyway, I'm babbling. You know where I am. I don’t know how “mature” her reading skills are, but Motherless Daughters really helped me when I was a bit older. It might be good for you to read in order to understand what your girls WILL go through.

Part of her will always be 9, just as part of me will always be 11. In some ways, my life started at 11, so it’s like I have two. It’s an odd way to look at it, but a valid one nonetheless.

I’ll write a bit more about what I experienced when I first lost her-maybe that will help Alyssa realize that it will get better, and that she isn’t weird. Be there for her-she’ll likely go through a phase of worrying about you very soon, and she’ll start mother henning everyone. It’s so hard to be the oldest girl.

Anyway, I’m babbling. You know where I am.

]]> By: jase http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1919 jase Tue, 23 Jan 2007 04:16:24 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1919 Cathy - I didn't know about your brother. That must have been so damn hard for you and your dad and your mom and your sister. I like the idea of Alyssa being a "well prepared survivor". Would that we all are well prepared survivors. I should break out some Carrie Newcomer and play her "Survivor" for Alyssa. Have you heard that one? Cathy - I didn’t know about your brother. That must have been so damn hard for you and your dad and your mom and your sister. I like the idea of Alyssa being a “well prepared survivor”. Would that we all are well prepared survivors. I should break out some Carrie Newcomer and play her “Survivor” for Alyssa. Have you heard that one?

]]> By: jase http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1918 jase Tue, 23 Jan 2007 04:13:18 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1918 Kassie - thanks for checking in. My strength isn't so much sometimes. My dedication is. And my love is. I'm working on the strength part. Thor - Alyssa has been asking about you more lately. I should put her in touch with you. At 9, she's literate on the computer, but not fluent in terms of typing as fast as she thinks, expressing herself lucidly, etc, like she can verbally. Maybe we'll find some other way for her to make use of your shoulder - skype or phone or something. Kassie - thanks for checking in. My strength isn’t so much sometimes. My dedication is. And my love is. I’m working on the strength part.

Thor - Alyssa has been asking about you more lately. I should put her in touch with you. At 9, she’s literate on the computer, but not fluent in terms of typing as fast as she thinks, expressing herself lucidly, etc, like she can verbally. Maybe we’ll find some other way for her to make use of your shoulder - skype or phone or something.

]]> By: thordora http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1912 thordora Mon, 22 Jan 2007 17:41:07 +0000 http://jase.dufair.org/2007/01/18/sharing-tears-with-alyssa/#comment-1912 If she ever ever wants to talk about not being a "normal" kid, you know where I am. I can relate all too closely to what she's feeling. The difference is, you're there to cry with her. I wish my father could have done the same. You're doing Anna justice by allowing your daughter to see that you aren't afraid to miss her, and to speak of it. I could have used that. But, I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not suffered so. Whether that is good or bad, I don't know. it just is, and I'm grateful for everyday I have, as I don't know when I'll have no more. Again, if she needs a shoulder, let me know. She wouldn't have to explain a thing. If she ever ever wants to talk about not being a “normal” kid, you know where I am. I can relate all too closely to what she’s feeling.

The difference is, you’re there to cry with her. I wish my father could have done the same. You’re doing Anna justice by allowing your daughter to see that you aren’t afraid to miss her, and to speak of it. I could have used that.

But, I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I had not suffered so. Whether that is good or bad, I don’t know. it just is, and I’m grateful for everyday I have, as I don’t know when I’ll have no more.

Again, if she needs a shoulder, let me know. She wouldn’t have to explain a thing.

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