A Few Good Memes

Set up the Christmas tree today. I cried like a baby several times today. Christmas music made it worse. Put a grave blanket on Anna’s grave with the kids today. Wish I never had the need to buy such a thing. It’s almost the 4 month anniversary of her death and I feel like it was yesterday. It doesn’t hurt any less.

Michael and Denise came over to help with the tree. That was a blessing. I sure do love them. Cheered me up to see them and to see the kids with them. I made pizza and we had dinner. I’m still hanging by a thread tonight. I’m off to numb myself with a cooking show before bed. Can’t really face thinking about the week ahead yet.

Coming home caught me off guard tonight. Had a good drive home - everyone was pretty well behaved. Potty breaks were synchronized properly. electronics all worked pretty well. Alyssa and I enjoyed listening to “Hoot” on CD. Got home and not having Anna to go thru the “Get Home, Get Unpacked, Start Laundry, Unload Digicam” dance sucked really hard. There’s always a normal letdown coming home from a fun trip (which this one to Virginia’s certainly was), but at least we had one another to lean on and to look forward to cuddling with when the unpacking was finished. Now I’m halfway done unpacking with the kids down and just feel like crap. Lonely. Grief is pretty oblique, Just when you’re doing ok, something comes out of nowhere - WHAM - to remind you how much you miss her and how much she suffered and how powerless you were and still are.

Strangely, the only antidote I’ve found thus far for grief is listening to Umphrey’s McGee. Those guys have some sort of direct link to my dopamine receptors or something. Just discovered their anti-grief powers a few days ago. Convenient for me that their latest CD is about loss and struggle. Though all their music seems to help regardless.